Valentines Day / Adopt-a-versary

To a lot of people, I’m just this crazy dog lady. Just a person who likes dogs a little more than your average person,
but it’s so much deeper than that.
I got Chula at 18, she was the first dog I found in my adult life.
She was the first dog that I ever really connected to.
The way we met, the timing, and the way she left told a story to me that we were destined to find each other,
that we each served a vital part in each others lives:
Mine- to make sure the last 1.5 years of her life were the best she ever had; to give her the life she deserved all along
to put actions and a feeling to the word “love”.
Hers- to guide me,
keep me on track, present in the moment
and to keep me afloat through the roughest seas yet- and she did all of that and more.
Chula moved in exactly 1 week before the seas got choppy.
She moved from city to city with me,
house to house,
job to job.
The only constant at that time? We always had each other.
A week before I moved back to Reno in 2017, she started acting off and I chalked it up to the boxes making her nervous- lots of change and she hated when I left,
but 2 days after arriving in Reno she crossed the rainbow bridge.
So if you’re following, I got her 1 week before shit hit the fan and she was with me until I was ready to come back home and face the music.
I dealt with losing her much better than I thought I would. I knew it was time to give her back and with the situation at hand, I took it as I’m okay now, I don’t need this guardian angel anymore- maybe someone else does. I remember thinking over and over “I cant be selfish” before I made the decision to let her go.
Chula changed my whole life. She changed my perspective – taught me how to actually be present in the moment- she taught me about forgiveness and looking forward. She gave me passion, something I hadn’t actually felt before. A passion to spread the word on what animals can do and how they can change and impact your life and make it better. After leaving the shelter with her Valentines day of 2015, my life has never been the same. It has been hugely impacted by the presence and love from a dog- a feeling I truly hope every person to walk this planet gets to experience because it is truly life changing.
Even though you’re up in heaven, happy adoptaversay.. thank you for waking me up and teaching me to enjoy a life I had taken for granted for so many years.

February

February’s a strange month for me honestly
I don’t really like admitting that because I feel silly,
even though February was a remarkable month.
I think the part of the situation that fucked me up was the suddenness,
the shock.
It hit me like a train.
How can midnight on Saturday be normal and good and I’m grateful
and Sunday morning at 7am and I have to fly back home because I can’t fake it like I thought I could for work?
How can it change that fast?
In 7 hours everything can be different
In 1 minute everything can be totally different.
How can that be?
Since February that year, I stay fairly hyper sensitive to the fragility of life
and it’s tiring honestly
These constant waves of possibility- the worse case scenarios flooding in first
Sending all of my thoughts and emotions in text form to every single person I love
weekly
Because those worst case scenarios that flood in scare me
what if the last thing I said was what I said last week?
Even though nothing has changed let me remind you
let me tell you just in case I don’t get another chance.
Scared to think too much into the future- to even get excited about nursing school or getting another dog
Continuously telling myself kids and a husband and a house and a career is in another life.
It’s too far away
Because if it’s actually within grasp what if I get my hopes up and it doesn’t happen?
What if I don’t make it until then?
Or even worse, what if you don’t make it until then?
Scared
Scared that I couldn’t handle another loss or shock
So scared that I tell myself it would be better me than you
And from there I spin and spin and spin until anxiety and fear and false reality have welcomed themselves in
I know all of these feelings aren’t mine so I let myself feel them for the length of time they choose to stay
I sit with them
and I make sure I don’t become them
and they always leave with the fear.
I’m always wondering if it’ll always be this way.
I’ve accepted that you aren’t here anymore but these issues seem to be the stain that I cant get rid of without tearing up the whole carpet
And I don’t want to do that.
Obviously I’m different, some ways good some ways I was better before but this is me and I’m getting used to it. I’m getting used to feeling things intensely and being vulnerable and open. I always want the universe to know that I learned the lessons the first time and no more loss is necessary. Finding new ways and tricks all the time to stay present and to not take anything for granted- even the simplicity of life

Almost 5 Years

I wonder what it is about hind-sight that makes us see so clearly.
These last few years were blurry in the moment
They were busy and chaotic and I was looking for something
A feeling, maybe
Or maybe I had enough of those and was searching for something
Tangible.
Tangible..
How naïve to think that anything is ever ours
I see myself in 2 spaces for all of my life so far
I see the me before we lost you
And I see the me after we lost you
Losing you didn’t shake me up at first, no at first it kept me right where I was
I was used to not feeling feelings
I didn’t know how good warmth felt to spread
I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, instead the only faces I knew how to feel and show and be were the faces of pride and ego and defense
But after that day all I felt was present – a place where pride and ego don’t know how to exist
I was so scared to focus on the pain that I buried a nice dark hole for it and threw it in there
But after I covered it, I surrounded it with flowers and painted a sun around it
Everything is better when its prettier, right?
Slowly the sun faded away and the animals dug up the hole and in a little box sat all of those feelings
Scared
Unsure
Stuck
Confused
Sad… such a simple word. Such a complicated feeling
And once that box was found, I ran
I ran and ran and ran and I chased city after city, job after job, friend after friend- with all of the change there was only one thing in common and that was the
Self sabotage
“Leave before you’re left”
Keep the control, you know? Things hurt a little less when its by your own accord
And I do still believe that to be true but I started to see that by leaving and running I was missing the bad but I was also missing out on the good
I wouldn’t let things get good anywhere because then I may have to lose it and at that point I didn’t think I could handle any loss
Its kind of weird, isn’t it? How much we underestimate ourselves
Losing you broke me down almost instantaneously but what came from that was the rebuild
A rebuild that I took slow
A rebuild that taught me about patience and persistence
It showed me more about myself than I had ever seen
It made me warmer,
Softer,
Sensitive,
Compassionate.
All traits that I didn’t know I could possess, honestly
You see, when pride and ego are the only faces you know and running is the only answer you have you only end up carrying all of that with you every. Single. Place. You go. Until you feel your way through to the other side and set those things down, they’ll stay as long as they please.
I can’t go back in time, all I can do is continue trying to follow my heart, do what feels right and hope that there are no regrets along the way. I hope to continue to feel human and alive and let ego and pride sleep a while; there isn’t any room left for them.
I don’t know that the hole from losing you or the experience in general will every be patched up enough
where you can’t see it. Quite honestly, I hope it doesn’t.
For this next year, I hope I learn to slow down. I don’t crave chaos like I used to. Being able to settle into my daily life feels good and it shows me how I’m really doing. It takes comfortability- a feeling I haven’t felt too much of thus far.

Get Off the Internet

I used to write all the time.

Then I got caught up in day to day life.

It got too busy.

2 jobs. Trying to volunteer.

Keep friends and relationships happy. And then I’d sit to write and nothing would come.

It’s taken 9 days for my head to actually stop.

To relax free of worry and “did I forget something”

“Did I do that right?”

“Are they mad at me? Did I say the thing wrong?”

Traveling is something I love but getting to witness new culture and habits is always life changing.

I come back just a smidge different than when I left and a brighter appreciation for my life. How lucky I am to drive a car, to be able to go to work everyday in a field I chose, doing something I want. The opportunities I have.

No makeup for 10 days. Little phone usage. Cold showers. Calloused feet from no shoes. Tan lines. Dirty hair.

All of these things bring me back to what’s important and the bigger picture aside from my day to day life.

Timing is Irrelevant

It’s been a short amount of time

But somehow I’ve forgotten what it sounds like hearing you say “I love you”

How your body feels on top of mine

Skin to skin

Hand in hand

You and I being one

I don’t remember what your hand feels like in mine at all

Walking down the side of the road

lavender chai in hand

Yours in the other

Or what it actually feels like to lay on your chest

With your hands wrapped around my body

The way the buildings wrap around each other in the city

I do remember feeling loved by you

But I don’t remember what exactly that felt like

I miss listening to music and driving regardless of the destination with your left hand laid right on top of my right thigh

I loved fantasizing about our life that we would have together

I’d take any size house

As long as you were there with me

I envisioned your mom over and telling her not to worry

That I would take care of you

Love you

Protect you from all that I can

All over a cup of coffee that I would make for her

in our kitchen

After crawling out of bed with you in the morning

From our bed

The one we picked out together

But I mostly decorated

Making sure to pick blankets and pillows all of our dogs were allowed to sleep on

It’s been a short amount of time

But somehow I’ve forgotten what it sounds like hearing you say “I love you”

Brown and Black

Sometimes I get caught up and only think of one thing

kinda like the guy you left and it’s 3 years later and all you can remember is the friendship &

someone being on your team

a chest to lay on when you shut your eyes, put your music on and drift to sleep

choosing not to talk about how lonely you felt on that chest though

or the insecurities the person next to you brought up

they say your memory isn’t actually accurate

1. it guards itself.. and you cant trust anything that walks on egg shells to keep your fragile heart whole

2. the way I remember us changes almost daily

I clearly can’t rely too heavily on the way I reflect

there are things i miss and there are things i missed when you were my partner

things i had then that i miss now and things i have now that i missed then

there’s still a part of me that wonders what it would be like a second go around

and then another that says there is someone better suited for me

like the way a tie coordinates with the color of the suit

you can’t wear black and brown together

 

Mind Your Mind

Heartbreak is hard. It tests what you think you think of yourself, your worth, if you’re “good enough”. I failed, right? I couldn’t “fix” the other person. I couldn’t make them let go of their ghost- they didn’t love me right? Because if you love someone that trumps all the fears and parts of the ego, right? You left, you didn’t actually love me. I gave more than I received, right? Because I was willing to fight and you weren’t. You win, right?

All wrong. Because love and relationships aren’t black and white, they’re consumed by the grey and the grey is what we hide from because in the grey lies unknown territory- the fears are all in the grey. There is no right answer with the grey. I am conflicted though because when i match the feelings with the actions not all the puzzle pieces match. And i want to be in denial so bad- I just want to hold onto the fact that you loved me as much as i loved you and this outcome has nothing to do with me or us but to do with you and your baggage and the story you have chosen to tell yourself. But the hard truth is that if you loved me in the ways I thought you did, leaving would have never been an option, especially for the reasons you left. Those actions showed you being controlling but in the beginning of loving someone we sometimes turn our head to the small things because they’re “small” but eventually we learn their significance and we wish we could have acknowledged the things we should have when it was happening.

The mind is a very trick thing, you have to be so careful with the story you tell yourself because you can truly believe anything you tell yourself, you have the power to convince yourself anything. So when you start telling yourself you’re not good enough because he left, you will start to see it that way. You have to know yourself and your value sternly before letting someone in close because they have the power to tell you things and that tricky mind of yours has the power to believe whatever it may choose.

Seasons

I know I’ve changed and I know that when you tell me that, you aren’t saying it kindly.
Luckily for me I know enough to know that has mostly everything to do with you and very little to do with me.
I stand up more and it’s because I have an opinion more.
I didn’t really used to have an opinion because I didn’t really care. About anything.
I say no sometimes- to dates, day plans, covering shifts, taking jobs, and draw lines in the grey area when i used to draw them only once it got black and even then my “no” wasn’t clear enough and I wasn’t strong in it.
I apologize when I’m wrong and I’ve worked on my ego just enough to be able to see your side even if I don’t agree with it.
Dark times softened my heart and even though I’m slightly insensitive and unemotional, majority of the time I can empathize with people now and I even cry sometimes during movies.
I cry sometimes. Sometimes it’s moments of gratitude and they’re happy tears and other times I miss things I have lost or I’m stressed or sad.
I don’t hold onto things so tightly anymore, I give things wiggle room. And even when I don’t want to, I let things go that I don’t need anymore.
I don’t have to marry one single version of myself. I can change and it’s okay. I wouldn’t want to be the same person I was a year ago, I like me a lot better now. And I’m hopeful that in a year I will say the same thing.
So, yes. I’ve changed. So have you.

And I’m proud of both of us for that even if you aren’t.

Table 65

Raspberry tea and a water with lemon. Table 65. Tucked away in the corner.

Driving. Well, you driving. You hadn’t taught me to drive a stick shift yet. We’ve arrived & I’m shivering from the cold but trying so hard to hold it in so I can stay in that moment under the stars with you just one more minute longer.

And another minute. Just one more.

I have to stay late at work, mom. Don’t wait up for me.

I bought us some extra time.      

 The river that I promised I wouldn’t go to alone, wouldn’t be the same without your counting anyways- 1, 2 & 3, but we never made it to 3 because I’d laugh. We’d try again though.
It all feels like a dream sometimes but when I close my eyes I’m back there with you and it’s vivid and real and I almost forget that it’s been over three years since we spent nights like those together. I remember thinking I’m so lucky, I am so lucky. And since you’re gone that luck is just a little bittersweet now, but it’s still luck nonetheless. You can’t put a time frame on getting over something. It’ll happen when it happens and it hasn’t happened yet.

Raspberry tea and a water with lemon, I’ll grab it.

Big Red Dog (Not Clifford)

It only seemed fitting that the first story I share with you is… you guessed it- dog related! I’ve been working on a blog now for a few months and have just decided to share some of it with you. So tag along and read along as you get to know me and some of the more intimate parts of my life.
In February of 2015 I had landed a job as an executive personal assistant. Sounds expensive right? Well, it was. With a pretty good salary I decided to rent a property out in the country on the mountainside with a few acres. This place was beautiful! On top of that though it had a security system and double steel doors on the entrances- something that helped to make me feel a little more safe. Growing up as a twin I slept 2 feet away from my sister up until I was 18, sometimes even falling asleep holding hands and talking about life (gay, I know) and on top of that I grew up watching cops, unsolved mysteries, Who the BLEEP did I marry, FBI detectives, the whole nine yards; you name it, I watched it. I knew that the likeliness of me being a big ol baby at night time was very high but I stayed hopeful that I’d be alright. Well, the first week I had to smoke a joint every night (told you this would get personal) just to sleep. I lived in the country so none of my friends wanted to make the drive to come and stay with me so I started spending quite a bit of time alone.
February rolls around and someone from work jokingly said that I should go get a dog. Growing up I hadn’t been some crazy animal lover and was actually allergic to most animals so I kind of brushed the idea off in the moment. One Sunday rolled around and I was bored so I decided what the heck? I’ll go take a quick look at the shelter. I remember walking into the shelter a rookie. I’d never been in an animal shelter before and I felt so lost. I was led to the dogs and just started looking. As I’m making my way into the 3rd room, one of the volunteers brings in this little old red lady. As soon as the volunteer brought the dog in, the dog, who I would soon learn was named Chula, went straight to the back of the kennel and turned her back to me. All of the other dogs that didn’t pay me any attention I didn’t really think twice about but for some reason this red dog caught my eye. With a little food luring (which I would soon learn was her love language) I got her to turn around. Now, if you’re not an animal person what I’m going to say next isn’t going to make much sense. I looked in this pretty lady’s eyes and I just felt something. I swear I knew right then and there that this was going to be my friend.
There was a small problem with adopting Chula right then and there. The next day I flew out of the country for a business trip that wouldn’t bring me back home for 6 days. The shelter didn’t hold dogs so all I could do was keep my fingers crossed that she would still be there in 6 days. I had come to find out that Chula spent 7 out of 10 years of life calling this shelter home and I selfishly hoped that she would stay another 6 days. Once I landed back in the states I called the shelter and asked if Chula was still available for adoption- they said yes! That same night I went and got the “I’m getting a dog and I’ve never done this before” starter pack. Valentines day of 2015 is the day that changed both mine and Chula’s life. We were instantly two peas in a pod.
Exactly one week after we drove home together for the first time, I got some bad news- some news that really turned my world upside down. Someone very special to me lost their life. When I look back now, I realize how weak and fragile I was for a long time afterward. Now, I knew I loved Chula before all of this, but there is something so special about leaning on someone when you’re broken that bonds you. I can say with an honest heart, now that it’s almost 3 years later and I’m able to reflect, that Chula saved my life.
I wouldn’t sleep. I would wake up in the morning and the only reason that I got out of bed was so that Chula didn’t pee in the place I was renting. She had to eat, it was my responsibility to feed her and that forced me up. There were days that I would stare at the ceiling without even realizing that hours had passed and I hadn’t moved. During this time, Chula kept me in the moment. I would be driving and the only thing that brought me back to the present moment and out of my head was looking in my mirror and seeing her bug eyes and lip flapping in the 60mph wind with her little noggin sticking out of the window. She was my constant during a such a dark time.
Fast forward a few months and it’s April and I decided Friday night that this isn’t working, I want to get away somewhere. I called a friend who was living in Texas and asked if she thought she could get my me a job where she worked & if could Chula and I could be her new roommates for a while. Without even thinking she said yes. So I went that Friday night to buy boxes and packed up my house. I quit my job. I called my family and I started packing up my car. My family thought it was a joke until I showed up Sunday morning with a car full of boxes and plenty of hugs to give out as I was saying goodbye. I don’t think anyone really knew what to think, I don’t even think I knew what to think. I made it to my destination Tuesday afternoon, just in time to start the new job on Wednesday, happy to finally be away from the problems I found myself running from.
The next year or so brought some relationships, some hardships, some new experiences and a lot of memories with my big red pit bull. I found myself spending a lot of time in animal shelters and seeking out rescues because this red dog sparked such a fire in my heart that I wanted to keep burning. Very quickly I started to have something to look forward to- trips to the animal shelter. I started out just walking the dogs and I noticed the way the dogs responded to me. I really felt that I had found this gift inside me that I never realized was there. Dogs started to occupy a lot of my time and a big space in my heart and while I have connected so easily to so many dogs, I have yet to meet one who stole my heart the way Chula did. On October 19th that year, Chula’s birthday, I just woke up and decided that I didn’t want to take the anti-depressants anymore. I started getting back into yoga and spending more and more time at the animal shelter. October was the first month in a while that I had felt… whole? Yeah, I guess whole is a good word for it.
Fast forward to the next year, I now had two dogs in my little family and they were best friends- Chula and Sir Lad. I guess I felt towards dogs how some people feel with religion- it’s something that makes you feel so whole and peaceful and passionate and something that you just want to share with the world. You want to say “those are you problems and here is your solution.” My solution just happened to have 4 legs and gave kisses with it’s tongue.
In December of 2016 I decided it was time to move back to Reno after my college semester ended. I started packing my house up the first week of December. That same week I started to notice Chula acting weird and I just shook it off as her being sensitive to the boxes all around the house and wondering what was happening.. I found out a few weeks later how wrong I was.
I’ll spare you the rough details but I knew that something was wrong. Honestly, I had already had so much more time with her than I thought I would after finding out when I first got her that she was 10, a diabetic and had cancer. We were on borrowed time from the beginning. I knew it was her time to go to Heaven and I knew that the right decision was a hard one but that I owed it to her, after all the pain she had healed me from during our time together, to let her leave not in pain.

Timing is an odd concept. I found it comforting that the week before life got pretty hard her and I crossed paths.. and the day that I arrived back home with my heart all taped back together was the day that it was time for her to go. It gave me a lot of comfort because it made sense- she was a gift to me. She was literally the healing aloe that you put on a sunburn or the sun that comes and melts away all the snow. And since the day that she mended my broken heart I have had this desire to share with the world how healing animals can be. I’ve moved across the country to learn more about dogs and their behavior and I have devoted more hours that I can even tell you to reminding these animals that have been shown hate just how much love there is out therefor them. While Chula healed my heart and saved my life she also gave me something even greater- a passion and a place to use my healed heart in.